Hi Guys! Well this is definitely not a post I thought I would be writing today. Mid May we found out were were pregnant. To say we were elated is an understatement. Olivia was beside herself to become a big sister and my dream of giving her a sibling was finally coming true. I found out pretty early, about 3 weeks pregnant and was so excited to share our good news. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later and boy did the pregnancy symptoms hit be like a freight train. I was pretty quiet on my social accounts because I was very tired and nauseous all the time. We went to the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and make our appt for our first ultrasound. Thirty days passed and it was finally time to see our baby.
This past Monday we found out I had miscarried our baby G. I knew immediately something was wrong as soon as the ultrasound tech pulled up our baby on the screen. There was no flicker, the baby was not moving and he/she looked smaller than she was supposed to at 10 weeks. The tech confirmed our worst case scenario and there was indeed no heartbeat.
The next 30 min was a complete blur. I felt numb, I wanted to cry until I couldn’t cry anymore, but I knew I had to be strong for Olivia. I did explain to Olivia early in our pregnancy that something could go wrong. Not a fun conversation, but looking back, I am glad we had it. I am not the type of person to allow people to take care of me, that is MY role, I take care of others. So when I grieve over anything I tend to do it alone. I have cried a lot, and while I understand God has a plan for us, it still hurts to the absolute core.
1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage with their pregnancy, that statistic is haunting and one I never thought I would go thru. We did also find out our baby stopped progressing around 8 weeks which means baby G died the same week our Sadie Jane did. I saw this baby as a gift after losing Sadie and my heart can’t hardly take it that they passed around the same time.
I had my D&C procedure yesterday, as my body had not shown any symptoms of it happening naturally. I have honestly felt VERY pregnant up until this procedure which is the strangest feeling. An even stranger feeling is having your child inside of you not thriving. It is a feeling I do not wish anyone would experience, yet miscarriages happen to SO MANY PEOPLE. I knew I could not truly start to heal until we had this procedure and while I am feeling much better physically, mentally it will take some time.
I have never felt like our chapter of having children was closed. I know that Olivia would be an AMAZING big sister and I truly hope we can give this gift to her. I do not like to internalize my feelings, I like to talk about feelings, I feel worse if I don’t. On the flip side, it scares me. From my experience, talking about heartache leaves room for love and progress.
Having a miscarriage is an extremely isolating feeling and I hope by me sharing, women going thru the same thing do not feel alone.Love to you all! xoxo Tara